Every year, throughout the world, 2·6 million babies are stillborn. That is about the equivalent of the population of Rome. Although I myself am a bereaved mother and stillbirth campaigner, I still find myself struggling to accept this number. But it comes from The Lancet itself, which published a Series aimed at ending preventable stillbirths earlier this year. Still Loved, a full length documentary film about the impact of stillbirth for affected families, begins with a quote from The Lancet's Richard Horton: “This is one of the most neglected, marginalised and stigmatised issues in global health today.”
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So given this background of denial and disbelief, how is it that Still Loved is now playing in cinemas up and down the UK? Largely it is due to the courage of film-maker Debbie Howard, from the Sheffield-based film company Big Buddha Films. She initially tried to raise money for the film through the usual channels. Finding that no-one was interested, she spent 4 years crowdfunding the film. When she approached cinemas some told her, with a remarkable lack of tact, that no-one would be interested in that kind of film. But other cinemas were prepared to take the risk. Some screenings of the film are now being followed by question and answer sessions. Those who have seen the film are often shocked but also impressed.

It is certainly true that Still Loved is a film that pulls no punches. It looks in forensic detail at seven bereaved families in the UK over 3 years. These couples talk in intimate detail about what actually happens when a baby dies. They speak about medical procedures, thoughts and feelings, practicalities, the intensity of their pain.

The film is beautifully shot and cuts smoothly from one issue to another. The scenes seem paradoxically to be both grittily realistic and strangely other-worldly. The music adds to the haunting and haunted atmosphere. Particularly effective is the use of slightly shaky home shot footage taken by the families themselves which creates an unsettling and painful claustrophobia. Overall, the result takes us over the boundaries of documentary and into the realms of art.

The home shot footage also, inevitably, includes actual images of babies who are dead or dying. The decision not to draw back from these images is particularly courageous but also challenging. It is only in recent years that such images have been seen anywhere, let alone on cinema screens. What they do is bring home the simple fact that these are real lives—lives that could have lasted many years—but are now lost.

So the film is certainly devastatingly accurate but what can we learn from it? What I saw, above all else, is how important ritual becomes in times of extreme adversity. In a now largely secular society, rituals have to be reinvented. We watch as mourners use teddy bears, wind chimes, and named blankets to make domestic shrines. Photograph albums and memory boxes are created with a near-religious intensity. We watch as one couple struggles with the question of how to hold a first birthday party for a baby who is not there, and applaud the brave friends who stand in the back garden listening to speeches and letting go of balloons.

Denial and silence are also a significant part of the lived experience. One of the most moving moments in the film comes when one of the bereaved fathers says, with quiet dignity, that he always makes an effort to attend the birthday parties organised by friends who have living children. Yet most of those same friends have never asked where his son is buried. Also, a mother shows the photograph of her dead babies which are proudly displayed in her front room. She then tells the story of a visitor to the house who asked for the photographs to be turned to face the wall.

But finally is the film too claustrophobic? Should it have moved beyond these specific stories to ask bigger questions about why so many babies are stillborn? After all, in the UK about half of unexplained stillbirths might be linked to poor medical care. Should the film not have included more about understaffed maternity wards, lack of sufficient scanning, poor recording of information?

On balance, I tend to think not. Ultimately, the narrow focus of the film is its strength. All those wider questions are there but it is the viewer who has to consider them. This is that rare film which actually manages to be highly political without ever mentioning politics. All that Debbie Howard—and those seven families—are doing is simply asking that we should see.

This may seem a rather limited ambition but as writer James Baldwin says, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” That sadly tells you all you need to know about why the rate of stillbirths in the UK remains stubbornly high.

Yet this situation is not devoid of hope. Things are changing—slowly. The fact that a film such as Still Loved has been made can be understood as part of a wider—and positive—shift in attitudes to death. Look at the surprise success in the UK of Death Cafés and of the Dying Matters coalition with its simple slogan, “Let's Talk About It”. Both are evidence that we are realising that endless “feel good” stories do not make us feel good in the longer term. You cannot live fully if you are not also able to accept death. Emotional authenticity may have more to offer us than the coercive mantra of “positive thinking”.

The families shown in Still Loved have so much to teach us—not just about stillbirths but about bereavement and adversity more generally. No-one in the film talks about “moving on” or “getting over it”. Instead they are interested in how life and death can be integrated. They all discover in different ways how we can keep our loved one alive—not as a reason for endless mourning but rather as a source of inspiration, courage, and continuing love for the living.

Still Loved also makes clear—by showing the comfort offered by family and friends—that we all have a role to play in this. The medical profession may be on the front line but if wider society is going to deal better with stillbirths and death, we have to work on the problem as a community. At this time of year we could ditch all those ghastly trick or treat sweets, and the rubber skeletons, and take a walk in the local cemetery instead, honouring our own dead and that greater mass of the dead who all contributed in some way to the world we now live in. Or more simply, but more courageously, we could just take the time to ask a bereaved friend if they would like to share some photographs or memories.

Interestingly, research from the University of Oxford University has suggested that weeping in the cinema might actually make us feel better. Apparently, it increases feelings of group bonding and raises levels of endorphins in the brain. So get yourself along to a screening of Still Loved and have a good cry. You might feel much better for it. You could also sign the petition on the film's website that has been set up to persuade broadcasters to show the film on television. Most of us want to live in a world where all the stories are heard, even the ones which are challenging. But sadly those who supply our “culture” often decide we need protecting from the reality of the world we are living in. Thankfully, Debbie Howard and the families who feature in Still Loved want to share experiences of stillbirth and tell it like it is—pushing the issue of stillbirths into the mainstream. But we have a long way to go and the road ahead is all uphill.

Still Loved Directed by Debbie Howard. Big Buddha Films, 2016 http://www.stilllovedfilm.com/

For screening in the UK see http://www.stilllovedfilm.com/screenings.html

With one in four pregnancies ending in a loss on International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day three sets of parents tell how the trauma was so hard to bear

Pregnancy brings hope and joy, but every year in the UK more than 5,000 parents leave hospital without their baby.

The tragedy of one in four pregnancies is that it ends in a loss which can include miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies and stillbirths.

But the stigma of talking about the death of babies means that parents are suffering in silence.
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International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day falls on October 15, and it's a time when those who have lived through the pain of losing their child at birth hope their stories will give strength to others.

Mum Lou's son says that her first child, a son named Finley, was 10 weeks premature and spent a long period in the neonatal unit.

Lou was terrified of her second pregnancy after her first was prematureSo when she discovered she was pregnant with her little girl Lauren , she was petrified.
"I had this feeling of doom," she says. "As the pregnancy progressed I was more more and depressed and more and more anxious."
On January 9, 2009, when Lou was 36 weeks pregnant she suddenly became aware that he was in a lot of pain in her abdomen coming in waves.
Believing she had gone into labour, she leaped up and thought her waters broke. Running upstairs to tell her husband, Matt, she said: "The baby's coming, the baby's coming."
He turned to her and, Lou says: "My jeans were soaked in blood."

Lou says having Lauren's grave has helped her to deal with the lossLou says she was in a state of denial and was laughing and joking with the paramedics, but she was really in shock about what was happening.
She wasn't the only one struggling with the horrific reality: "Something in Matt just snapped. He was like a wild animal. He was howling, thumping his head, thumping the walls.
"For the moment, I forgot the terrible labour pain I was in and the midwife had to focus on him."

Matt said he had to leave and apologised to Lou.
She recalls: "The only saving grace of it was that my labour with Lauren was very brief and because she had only died a few hours before she was born, her appearance was not of a baby who had died.
"She just looked a little bit paler than normal, but it really just was of a baby who was asleep."
Beth and Steve were thrilled when one baby turned out to be two at the start of their pregnancyLou is just one of seven mums - and dads - who have shared their tragic stories with the makers of a new documentary which examines those families who have heartbreak visited upon them when a baby is stillborn.
Called Still Loved, the film - released to coincide with Baby Loss Awareness Month - follows seven couples, showing their stories of stillbirth and providing a profound insight into the effects of the death of a baby.
The documentary, from Big Buddha Films , gives a voice to all those affected, from bereaved mothers to often-overlooked fathers, many of whom open up about their experience for the first time ever on camera.
This is a brave, inclusive and important film for all, not just those with first-hand experience of baby loss.
Beth and Steve tell the heartbreaking story of the loss of Felicity and Harriet, their twins - although, when they first found out Beth was pregnant: "We had no idea that our little miracle was actually two."
On July 2, 2012, while staying in Yorkshire, Beth went into labour at 21 weeks, and the babies did not survive.

Twins Felicity and Harriet were born to Steve and Beth 19 weeks early"There was no hope for either of them," Beth remembers. "You could see on the scan they were struggling."

"[Medical staff] came in to explain our options. We could either wait for contractions to come on or they needed to induce so that I was OK. The induction is essentially an abortion, and that's what they made me sign for."
The babies were born together, which Beth says "gave us a bit of comfort".
Beth adds: "I am a mum and [Steve's] a dad, but we don't have any children."
Couple Juliette and Matt were thrilled when they found out that they were expecting a boy, and say the pregnancy was not a difficult one.
Matt admits that while Juliette bathed stillborn Ben, he couldn't deal with itBen was stillborn on November 26 weighing 6lbs.
"Small but perfectly formed, we like to say," Juliette smiles.
Although she spent time with Ben and bathed him, Matt admits it was something he stepped back from.
"I couldn't be there for that, I said to myself 'I don't think I can cope with that'. I went outside and spoke to my parents.

"To this day, I regret not doing that.
"We had four hours with Ben, which was lovely."
Juliette adds: "You find yourself making a lifetime of memories in a very very short space of time."

Ben was 6lb and 'perfect' say parents Juliette and MattFollowing the loss, Matt admits he 'felt a lot of anger' and was expected just to get on with his life regardless.
Still Loved is supported by Tommy’s, the baby charity which funds research into stillbirth, miscarriage and pregnancy complications.
The film's director Debbie Howard says that despite the taboos surrounding stillbirths, “the parents were very happy to finally have a voice".
"When a baby dies, it’s still a baby. It’s still a child that is loved, cherished and wanted.
"Parents feel they can’t talk about their baby because other people don’t know how to cope with it.”
Debbie says that it wasn't hard to find families who wanted to share their stories, and we should encourage this openness.

Steve and Beth were told there was no hope for their twin girls"We're really bad at talking about death and grief in our society, we're closed about that sort of thing. And it's massively heightened when it comes to the death of a baby.

"People don't know the statistics and they fail to realise that it's someone's child who has died, someone's baby.
"You've thought about names, talked about them with their siblings, you've thought about and planned future events, and then your child dies."
Debbie says that a pregnancy is no guarantee that parents will end up with a live baby, and the statistics show that their are many parents like those in the documentary.
"The anticipation means people have decorated nurseries, bought clothes and pushchairs, and then are left with all that stuff. It's heartbreaking.
"What do you do with all that stuff after the baby is gone?
"And what does it mean if it was your first child - you ask yourself 'am I a mum or a dad?', 'am I a parent if my baby has not survived?'."
The film has a digital release on November 1. For further information, visit the website .

Read in The Mirror here 

I set up Big Buddha Films ten years ago and have made many short films, both fiction and documentary. My latest short film, Peekaboo, was about stillbirth. When I finished it I knew I wanted to make a feature documentary about baby loss as it was something I had become very passionate about. So I started work on Still Loved.

I now realise the enormity of that decision. For a first time feature documentary maker to make a film about one of the society’s biggest taboos was no small task. There is so much stigma around baby loss. No wants to talk about it even though one in four pregnancies end in a loss. We dealt with closed doors from the industry all along the way. We were continuously told, “There is no interest in this subject.” This shocked me. I think the point of documentaries is to educate and challenge attitudes, to make change. But I didn’t give up.

Four years later and we are now releasing Still Loved into cinemas across the UK in October, during Baby Loss Awareness Month. We have a Distributor onboard CatnDocs and we screen at our first two film festivals in November. We have made a powerful, sensitive, thought-provoking film that I am very proud of.

We shot Still Loved over 3 years working closely with seven families. Most of the film was shot on a Sony PMW 200. Our DoP, Emma Dalesman did an incredible job. For scenes that needed a certain look we used a Canon C300 with sliders and macro lenses and a Sony FS7. We also used a drone and Go Pro’s and some of the contributors also self shot on small video cameras and phones for a much more personal feel.

We filmed close-up intimate shots of the babies items on motion control with Charlie Paul at Itch Studio. They specialise in working with documentary filmmakers and have a truly creative approach to examining and treating memorabilia, photos, archive film and materials in an innovative way to tailor a unique style for each of the films they work on.  Charlie used a DSLR camera with long focal length macro lenses mounted on the rig. He shot high resolution time-lapse sequences which allowed us to move the camera at exceptionally slow speeds with shallow depth of field and long exposure shutter speeds.

Still Loved was beautifully edited by Joby Gee and the Supervising Sound Editor was George Foulgham. Post production was completed at Molinare, London.

http://www.stilllovedfilm.com
@StillLovedDoc / @BigBuddhaFilms

Read in Televisual here

A Nottingham woman who gave birth to two stillborn babies is set to appear in a documentary about pregnancy loss.

Each year in the UK over 5,000 parents leave hospital without their baby and one in four pregnancies end in a loss.

Julie Cooke, 48, gave birth to a stillborn baby boy in December 2004 and then again in November 2005.
She said: "In 2004, I was pregnant with my fourth child, but the first with my now-husband Jay."
At 24 weeks, Julie was diagnosed with polyhydramnios, a common complication of pregnancy where there's an "excessive amount" of amniotic fluid.
She says she was monitored closely by the City Hospital Foetal Care Unit, and was given an earlier due date.
But on December 5 2004, Julie could no longer "feel her baby."
"The Friday before, I could feel him kicking furiously," she said. "And the next day, there was nothing."
Julie was rushed to hospital, where she was told her baby had died. "It was a 'cord accident'," she said, fighting back tears.
The couple had to wait two days before delivering their son, 'Jak Cooke'.
"We had everything ready for the baby, so I just sat there rocking in a corner in the nursery. It was horrific to go into a maternity ward, where people are having live babies, to give birth to a dead one," said Julie, who works in homecare at Nottingham City Council.
But the couple were determined to try again. "Not to replace Jak," explained Julie. "But to give Jay a child of his own."
Soon after, the couple were pregnant again.
In November 2005, however, the "unthinkable" happened – Julie gave birth to a second stillborn baby boy.
She said: "Death – and especially children's death – is an uncomfortable and uneasy topic, but it's important for people to talk about it and acknowledge it.
"People can turn off the tele if they don't want to watch it, but we can't turn off our memories."
While the couple were eventually able to have a child together, they decided to take part in the film, Still Loved – a documentary exploring baby loss, set to be released on October 4, coinciding with Baby Loss Awareness month.
The film's director, Debbie Howard, of Sheffield said: "The parents were very happy to finally have a voice. When a baby dies, it's still a baby. It's still a child that is loved, cherished and wanted. Parents feel they can't talk about their baby because other people don't know how to cope with it."

Earlier this month, the Post ran a story about another couple who had suffered a pregnancy loss, and had opened a centre for bereaved parents.
Martin Sommerville, father of the stillborn baby, said: "For us, and for many parents we've met, a maternity ward was the last place we wanted to be, so we began to dream of an alternative.
"Zephyr's promises to be a place of compassion where families can receive much needed support to help them recover from their loss."
Still Loved will be screened on October 20 at 8pm at the Broadway Cinema.
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Read article in The Nottingham Post here 

A 'groundbreakingly honest' documentary showing families coming to terms with baby loss is being premiered in Manchester.
Still Loved features seven families trying to cope with the grief that the loss of a baby brings.
Each year in the UK, more than 5,000 parents leave hospital without their baby and one in four pregnancies end in a loss.
Those behind the documentary say these deaths 'are hidden from society, stigmatised and silent' and the film aims to overcome the silence by 'showing parents’ stories of stillbirth and by providing an accessible, original and profound insight into the effects of the death of a baby'.
Still Loved is the debut feature from Debbie Howard, who has previously directed a string of short films that have screened at international film festivals and secured a number of prestigious awards.
She said: "Still Loved brilliantly gives a voice to all those affected, from bereaved mothers to often-overlooked fathers, many of whom open up about their experience for the first time ever on camera.
"This is a brave, inclusive and important film for all, not just those with first-hand experience of baby loss."
The documentary is supported by Tommy’s, the baby charity which funds research into stillbirth, miscarriage and pregnancy complications.
Dr Alex Heazell, director of Tommy’s Stillbirth Research Centre at St Mary’s Hospital, Manchester, said: "The subject matter of Still Loved is emotionally challenging - it should be, this is not a film to make the viewer feel comfortable.
"To make progress, we must break the silence, the stigma and the taboo that surrounds the death of a baby. Still Loved begins this process - it provides an accessible, original and profound insight into the effects of the death of a baby."
The release of the film coincides with Baby Loss Awareness Month throughout October, and International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on October 15.
Debbie, founder of Big Buddha Films, said: “The parents were very happy to finally have a voice. When a baby dies, it’s still a baby.
"It’s still a child that is loved, cherished and wanted. Parents feel they can’t talk about their baby because other people don’t know how to cope with it."
Still Loved is on at AMC Cinema in Manchester at 7.30pm on Tuesday, October 4.
For tickets, costing £7.25, visit the website here .
For more details about Tommy's visit www.tommys.org .

​Read in The Manchester Evening News here

Still Loved to show in london for baby loss awareness month

​The powerful documentary Still Loved is set to be shown in London at the end of the month to coincide with Baby Loss Awareness Month which runs throughout October.
The film has been released in an effort to break the stigma that surrounds the death of a baby, which remains hidden from society and shamefully un-discussed.
Each year in the UK over 5,000 parents leave hospital without their baby. One in four pregnancies end in a loss.
Still Loved overcomes this silence by showing parents’ stories of stillbirth and by providing an accessible, original and profound insight into the effects of the death of a baby, brilliantly giving a voice to all those affected from bereaved mothers to often-overlooked fathers, many of whom open up about their experience for the first time ever on camera.
This is a brave, inclusive and important film for all, not just those with first-hand experience of baby loss.
Catch the film at The Picturehouse Central London on 24th October at 6:30pm, or at The Picturehouse Crouch End on 30th October at 8:00pm.

​Still Loved: Dealing with the Loss of a Child as a Father

As you may or may not be aware this week is Baby Loss Awareness Week. Involving twenty-one pregnancy and baby loss charities in the UK it’s a special opportunity to mark the brief lives of babies lost in pregnancy or soon after birth.
If I’m truly honest I wouldn’t have been aware of this event and the significance of the month ahead had it not been for my own personal experience. Two years ago my wife and I were full of joy and optimism having fallen pregnant after nearly three years trying to conceive. Our joy was intensified by the fact that we had avoided IVF treatment and had conceived naturally. At the same time like any expectant parents we were cautious in our approach to the nine months ahead. We were full of hope and believed that the three years of endless doctors appointments and the monthly realisation that we had failed to conceive were over. We thought we had overcome the hard part. How wrong we were.
On the 14th December at  7:00am my wife Jen went into what we now know was early labour. At the time I knew there was something wrong but had no idea that the day would develop as it did. Jen on the other hand was to later confess that deep down she knew what was about to happen.
Jen was approaching her 24th week and whilst I don’t feel the need to give you all the facts of what went wrong and why it went wrong I can tell you that it is the only day in my life that I can remember by the minute. At around 18:40 Jen gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. We named him Joshua Charles Mates.

Joshua was born breathing but after consultation with the Doctors they advised that he would not be strong enough to survive. We took the brave decision to let him go peacefully. Over the next ten minutes we cradled our son as he took his first and last breaths in this world, those moments were a mixture of emotions but the overriding feeling was one of pride and love for both Jen and the son that we had brought into this world together.
Our story has had many ups and downs since and I will freely admit that those two years have been the hardest that we have faced so far. Together and with the help of friends, family and one of the charities included in this month’s campaign we are at a point where we are moving forward whilst never forgetting. This all leads me to the main reason for writing about our experience.
Recently I was contacted by a good friend who works in the media industry who had a screening link to a documentary titled “Still Loved“. We had been made aware of this documentary and had already purchased tickets to one of the many screenings that are due to take place around the country to help raise awareness.
My overriding emotions when purchasing the tickets and having the link to the video were really rather mixed. Whilst I want to support the many charities associated with the week ahead I have to say I was apprehensive. With Joshua never far from our thoughts I wondered if watching the documentary would take me and in particular Jen back to those dark moments following the death of our son. As such in the days that followed I made excuse after excuse not to watch the documentary until I finally plucked up the courage to take a look.
I have to say I am genuinely pleased that I did. Although friends and family do their utmost to be there for you and give you the support that you need, unless you have experienced what we have you can never truly understand. Watching the film reminded me that there are other people out there that have gone through very similar experiences. The documentary tells the story of the events leading up to the birth and delves into the aftermath of losing a child and the different emotions a mother and father go through both together and on their own.
As a father I was particularly interested to see how the men coped with the situation and was pleasantly surprised to see that the documentary covered those feelings. I found a parallel with one particular guy who felt he put his emotions to one side to make sure that his wife was OK, his main focus was to help her through the grief. This to me seems a natural way of handling the situation. In making sure Jen survived it ensured that I would and that our relationship would remain intact, although I do appreciate that all situations are different and there can be no set rules on how to move forward.

As you would expect the documentary is emotional at times, whether you have experienced the loss of a child or not it doesn’t matter, watching the film will help raise awareness and give you an insight on how you can support those that have. Those who have experienced the loss of a child will find they are not alone in their experience and that there is help available to them through the various groups included in this campaign. The documentary touches on those who lost children years ago when the subject was even more taboo and showed it’s never too late to remember your lost child. The film offers a message of hope and whilst it’s important to note that not everyone will have a happy ending, it’s encouraging to see how couples move forward whilst remembering the child that they have lost.
This week sees many different initiatives and I would encourage everybody to get involved. Baby Loss Awareness Week finishes each year on October 15 with the global ‘Wave of Light’. October 15 is also International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and is recognised across the world. Last year we invited our close friends and families take part in the global ‘Wave of Light’ and their support in remembering our child and others really did mean a great deal to us as I’m sure it does other families. Simply light a candle at 7pm and leave it burning for at least 1 hour to join us in remembering all babies that have died too soon.
There are other ways to get involved which you can read about navigating to the link below:
http://babyloss-awareness.org/get-involved/
Please get involved.

We must discuss stillbirth. To help those suffering, and to encourage more funding and researchStillbirth is devastating so we must fight the stigma and the silence, says Jude Rogers

Posted by Jude Rogers on 07.10.16
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Ten years ago next February, my friends Tim and Laura had their first daughter, Charlotte. They had three daughters after her, Emily, Isabelle and Florence, who never knew their big sister, as she died at 41 weeks of gestation. I will never forget Charlotte's funeral: the roses on the coffin, the rows of old friends holding each other tightly by the hands. It seemed unimaginable that this could have happened to our two lovely friends, and shocking to find, all these years later, how common an experience stillbirth still is.
Ten babies are stillborn every day in Britain; in 2014, the last year for which there are Office of National Statistics figures, this amounted to 3,563 deaths. Just as shockingly, Britain ranks 21st out of 35 of the world’s wealthy nations in terms of its stillbirth rates, and there is a stark variation in those rates across the country (it differs from 4.1 to 7.1 out of 1,000 births, with Black and Asian women being more at risk, as well as women living in poverty). The reasons babies die are frustratingly hard to pin down. Placental problems in late pregnancy is one issue, which is not currently checked in routine antenatal monitoring. A third of stillbirths remain “unexplained”, with more investment to find out why being desperately needed.
Nevertheless, the subject of stillbirth, and wider issues surrounding neonatal injury and safety, are starting to be discussed in much more prominent places. Next week, they are being debated in parliament for the first time during Baby Loss Awareness Week, thanks in part to two MPs: Antoinette Sandbach, whose 5-day-old son, Sam, died in 2009, and Will Quince, whose second child, Robert, was stillborn in 2014.
Baby loss is also being explored on the big screen in director Debbie Howard’s new documentary, Still Loved, which takes us through three years in the lives of seven families who lost children before or shortly after birth. It is an important, bracing film, and refreshingly gives lots of screen-time to the fathers as well as mothers who are grieving. This is vital: it  reminds the world that stillbirth is not an experience to be suffered quietly by the person who carried the baby. Stillbirth is an experience shared, and indeed it should be shared.
Howard knew she had to make Still Loved after making a short film drama about the subject in 2013: this was Peekaboo, starring BAFTA-award-winning actor Lesley Sharp. “I’d spoken to so many people around their experiences while making [Peekaboo], I knew I’d barely scratched the surface of the subject,” she explains. “The stigma and silence I found around losing babies was incredible – so many people felt like they couldn’t talk about what they’d gone through, because it made other people uncomfortable. This just meant their grief got internalised. That didn’t help.” 
They told me about their trip to hospital together, with Laura in labour, not knowing that a heartbeat wouldn’t be found
Howard’s film shows us how many different people have had these experiences too. There’s the couple who lost their twins before 24 weeks, the single mother whose partner’s mother blamed the stillbirth on evil spirits, and the fathers who felt pressure to be strong and silent while feeling anything but. We meet the amazing Michelle and Nicky, who have set up the brilliant Campaign for Safer Births, after negligence in medical care ended the lives of their babies. We hear of couples whose friends no longer ring them, or are told unhelpful things like “you can always have another”. I remember feeling the hopelessness of saying anything as a friend of Tim and Laura; with hindsight, I know that simply offering your love as a friend is so much better than saying nothing.
When I was asked to mark Baby Loss Awareness Week by writing this piece, I emailed Tim and Laura to ask them what they would want me to say. I realise now how nervous I was about getting things wrong. Their responses made me so amazed and proud of both of them – and I’ve realised here is where the message of this film lives.
They both told me the story of Charlotte in detail, and about how they wanted to share it, to remember her short time in the world. They told me about their trip to hospital together, with Laura in labour, not knowing that a heartbeat wouldn’t be found. They told me how lucky they were with their medical team, who arranged Charlotte’s funeral, and came to see them in hospital when Emily was born; the NHS rising to the occasion as it can so often, brilliantly, do.
They also told me of the cruel things that stuck in their minds, hoping others won’t have to face them again. For Tim, there was the “helpful” leaflet that told him to “think of the grandparents that feel helpless as they see the devastation their children are going through”; this instruction only devastated him further. For Laura, it was hearing people say things like “it’s not as like you knew them”. She knew her. “The best thing to do is talk to people who know how you’re feeling,” Laura concluded.
Baby Loss Awareness Week and Still Loved will keep this message soaring this month, giving voices to those people who need them most – and reminding those of us who haven’t suffered, like our friends have, to use our voices too.  “We are proud of who we are because of Charlotte,” Tim he told me, “and that she was in our life.” She was in their lives, and she is, and will always be.
Still Loved is now in cinemas and will be available on digital from 1 November (@StillLovedDoc). If you or anyone you know wishes to know more or seek support about stillbirths, please contact Tommy’s or Sands.

Read in The Pool here

VITAL VIEWING ABOUT THOSE NEVER FORGOTTEN – STILL LOVED (FILM REVIEW) 05/10/2016 James Wallis film, film review

The subject of death is one which Western society still struggles with discussing frankly. This is partly due to its depressing nature but also because for most death of a loved one is too raw an experience to share openly. This is especially true with the death of the young and even more so with stillbirth. Debbie Howard’s new documentary Still Loved is a moving piece that explores this and broaches stillbirth with great sensitivity. Its focus is on a number of couples who have faced the trauma of having a stillborn child or children.

This is Howard’s first full length documentary, following the success of a few short films including Peekaboo (2012) and Pussy (2009). Howard’s film reflects her talent as a storyteller but also as a film maker. It is an extremely poignant piece which encapsulates the difficult emotional and physical journey couples face who’ve experienced stillbirth. As someone whose sister Jennifer was stillborn, this film really struck a chord with me but it helped me understand the pain my parents would have felt. It is an extremely important film, not just because it tackles such a widely misunderstood and often disregarded subject but also the powerful messages behind each interviewee’s story. The film utilises the parcipatory style of documentary film making, with couples showing with their experiences how they have coped and how they’ve been affected by the experience. These key aspects covered such as the paternal grief felt and toxic masculinity expectations, fallout of friendships and the fact that in most cases the lost babies have siblings who are also affected. Howard intertwines these with the overarching subject. These are all vital points of consideration in the important pursuit of helping those families affected by stillbirth.

Still Loved is difficult viewing at times, naturally, because of the content but it is a documentary and these truths deserve to be heard. These are real people who have made the choice to share their difficult stories, to help their grieving process but also to inform people about still birth. Howard’s film is not without hope. These people may have lost their children but the film shows how they’ve found other ways to cope with the grief and enjoy life. These scenes of joy juxtapose their struggles and culminate in a film which balances understanding the pain of stillbirth whilst offering new optimism. It is really touching to see the outcome for some of these people and their strength and courage. Whilst the lost loved will not always preoccupy their minds they will always be still loved.

5/5
Dir: Debbie Howard
Scr: Debbie Howard
DOP: Debbie Howard
Year: 2015
Run Time: 70 Mins
Still Loved is on limited release in cinemas as part of Baby Loss Awareness Month

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Interview with Debbie Howard

​The subject of death is one which Western society still struggles with discussing frankly. This is especially true with the death of the young and even more so with stillbirth. Stillbirth is defined by the NHS as a baby who dies after 24 completed weeks of pregnancy. Despite around 5,000 parent(s) leaving hospitals having lost their baby due to still birth in the UK alone, it is a subject not widely discussed. Debbie Howard’s new documentary Still Loved is a moving piece that explores this topic. I urge you to watch Still Loved. It is difficult viewing at times, naturally, because of the content but it is a documentary and these truths deserve to be heard. I was fortunate enough to have a chance to speak with Debbie.

James: I really enjoyed the film, I feel weird using that word whenever the subject matter is what it is but, no, it was a really moving piece.

Debbie: Thank you.

James: The part where you interview the children and stuff they’d written for their siblings that hadn’t been born, that was *exhales*. The reason I wanted to do speak with you was my mum had a stillborn after me, a baby sister.

Did you always know what had happened? Were they honest with you?

I would have been about 3 at the time. I remember we used to go to her grave on her birthday.

It is hard, and I don’t think it’s anything people fully let go of, but you learn to live with it. I think that’s what the essence of the film was that understanding of the fact that it isn’t something you get over or forget but you do learn to process it and to be happy again. That is what I wanted to look at, that it never goes away but you learn to process it.

What was it that motivated you to look into this topic?

My most recent short film was called Peekaboo. That’s when I started to look at this subject. The reason I made that film was because I had two friends who had lost babies, neither was stillbirth but it was baby loss and I started to appreciate what a massive impact that had on people. I started to look into this and I was shocked at the statistics of how common it is.

By the time I’d finished Peekaboo, I’d become very passionate about this subject and I got to know a lot families that had lost babies and realised they didn’t have any kind of voice at all. Many of them told me the same stories, that after their babies died they lost loads of friends.  Some of them they never called them again, because they didn’t know what to say. I realized I needed to make a documentary and tell peoples own stories, which are way more powerful than anything I could write.

That was my motivation, to give families a voice. There is a real emphasis on the dads. As you can see in the film, there is a massive pressure to be the strong one, to be there for their partner. I thought, but what about them? Their baby has died as well. Everyone asked about their partners, how they were doing, rather than asking the dads themselves how they were. This can lead to a lot of repressed grief.

What sensitivities did you find you had to be aware of when tackling these and talking to the families?

It’s something I felt my way with. The first few shoots were incredibly hard for all of the crew as well as the participants. We cried all day. It was really hard. I felt like I was reopening wounds for them. When we talked about it later, I realised it had been a very cathartic process for them. I was always very aware though of being respectful to each family and who they were. It was easier with some than others, some people were very open and comfortable and others needed a lot of support. I would always check things with them as we were filming. I’d try to be incredibly sensitive to what they wanted. I was very aware they were sharing their most painful and tragic moments of their life, and didn’t want to exploit that. At the end before we signed the film off I showed it to them and asked if they were happy and if there was anything they didn’t like. It was an important part of the process. They were all happy with how we had put the film together. Our Editor, Joby Gee, was fantastic and we were on the same page throughout the edit which was great.

Which story stood out, if that’s a fair question?

Eve’s was the most difficult, because she was on her own, and I felt she had no support. She was the only single parent. She had endured a horrendous attitude from the dad’s family, blaming her. Culturally, there are issues around stillbirth where she is from. She was incredibly fragile and we did nearly lose Eve. I thought she was very strong and didn’t want to cut her story. She did drop out at one point and I was devastated. Luckily, about a year later she got back in touch and said she wanted to do some more filming. I was so happy because we’d nearly finished editing at that point, so we filmed some more and were able to finish her story which was just great because I think she’s a very powerful part of the film. It was difficult because I wanted to support Eve as a friend and didn’t want to push her into something she was unhappy with. I love all of them but at least the others had each other. Being by herself, not just without a partner but also without her family and in a different country it was very difficult for Eve.

The minute she began telling how her partner had left just because she was pregnant and didn’t want anything to do with the baby, that by itself, was difficult.

Yeah, she went through so much. When she carried the coffin herself, her strength was incredible. She’s strong and fragile all at once. I felt I wanted to protect her.

Why do you think there’s such a stigma around stillbirth? Why are people so unwilling to talk about it?

I think culturally, we find it really hard to talk about grief and death. So when it comes to the death of a baby, it’s just too horrific for people and they can’t cope. The attitude towards this film right the way through making it was difficult. People are appalled by the subject matter. It’s really hard to get people to watch it for that reason. I think there’s also a real lack of understanding that when somebody’s baby has died. It’s still their child. The mums have carried them for many months. They also had hopes and dreams for their child, chosen names, thought about the future. All that stuff dies along with the baby and it’s really hard to process it. People don’t understand. If someone’s 10-year-old died, you wouldn’t dream of saying to that person, “never mind, you can have another one”, which is what people often say when you lose your baby.

My mum cannot understand the cultural event of American baby showers. She doesn’t want to be too cynical, but why do all that before having the baby?

Yeah exactly and I heard that from all the families that with their next baby, they wouldn’t buy things or get things ready as they didn’t want to have the hope taken away. There’s such an expectation, that if you’re pregnant you will end up with a living baby.

What really struck me about these families, was they have gone through one of the worst things ever, to lose your own child, but they dealt with it by helping other people. They set up a charity or support group or made memory boxes for the hospital or raised money. It was really interesting for me to see that, and I could see how that was helping them to process their grief by helping others through theirs.

I think the ending helps and is uplifting and helps you cry in a better way so to speak.

That’s good to know. It’s a hopeful film I think. Anybody who’s gone through a horrible phase of grief at any point in their life, it’s good to know you do get through those worst times and you do find new ways of being happy again. There’s a phrase used in the baby loss community, ‘finding your new normal’. I think that’s quite poignant in a way, it’s never quite the same but you do find a different way to laugh again and have fun again. It’s good for people to know if they’re in the middle of the worst stages of grief.

I think Lou is very strong in the film because her personality allows her to speak openly and her humour lets her laugh about even quite dark things. You need to do that sometimes as a release, a way of coping.  

Still Loved is released through Big Buddha Films, an independent film company on the 4th the October in cinemas across the UK alongside Baby Loss Awareness Month. It is available on digital from 1stNovember. The film’s production was supported by The MJB trust and Maudsley Charity. If you or anyone you know wishes to know more or seek support about stillbirths, please contact Tommy’s or Sands. This film is an excellent way to introduce yourself to some of the key aspects of the issue and through education and action we can all help work towards lowering the staggeringly high numbers of stillbirths in the UK. 

Read in Vulture Hound here

​Untold grief: the heartbreaking impact of stillbirth is revealed in new documentary.

Families talk about love, hope and courage in surviving the loss of a baby in a film to be screened in cinemas this month

• It remains one of society’s few taboo subjects, but now a documentary hopes to explain the impact of stillbirth and bring greater understanding to an experience that often remains hidden.

Still Loved, the first feature-length film to tackle the issue, will be screened at selected cinemas throughout the UK in October. Its director, Debbie Howard, hopes that the film will not only speak to those who have suffered a loss but strip away some of society’s preconceptions about how we deal with these deaths.

“I had two different friends who lost babies and I was really affected by the profound effect it had on them,” she says. “Initially, I made a short fictional film on the subject but as I did the research and spoke to families I realised there was so much to say that it would be better as a documentary. I knew the subject matter was challenging but I felt very passionately about giving parents a voice.”

Shot over three years, the often harrowing but ultimately hopeful documentary follows a handful of parents as they discuss their experiences with an at times brutal candour, laying bare both how it feels to be told that your child has died and, crucially, how and if you can find your way back to some semblance of normality. There are scenes of despair but also of bittersweet joy as families remember their babies in moving ceremonies or conceive again.

“One of the things no one ever says about stillbirth is how it affects every area of your life,” says Mel Scott, an occupational therapist from Somerset whose baby, Finley, died during labour. “I felt really isolated after Finley died. My husband had to go back to work and I was on maternity leave but with no baby.”

Making it worse was the assumption that the grief would soon pass. “It makes me cross when people say grief has a time and you should get over it,” she says. “Life might get bigger and brighter around the pain but it’s still there.”

Lou Evans, a physiotherapist from Derbyshire, agrees. “When Lauren died I wanted the whole world to know how much pain I was inand how much I continued to be in even as the years passed,” she says. “A lot of my friends and even my husband, Matt, couldn’t always understand that. They didn’t see why the time I spent at Lauren’s grave or working with the local branch of [stillbirth charity] Sands was therapeutic. I do think people sometimes wanted me to be quiet.”

That opinion – that those who have experienced stillbirth should grieve in silence – is still common, and Howard believes it is why she initially struggled to get the film off the ground.

“I had one very established documentary maker tell me I absolutely think this film should be made but nobody will want to show it and nobody will watch it,” she says. “It was even tough getting the cinemas on board – they would say there’s no interest, and I’d get quite annoyed and write back saying how do you know that? I didn’t think it was true.”

Michelle Hemmington, whose son, Louie, died as a result of medical negligence, believes that Howard has got the balance between honest and hopeful just right. “The film’s strength is that it isn’t overly sad,” she says. “The subject is difficult but the emotions are positive.”
 
Debbie Howard’s documentary, released for Baby Loss Awareness week, traces the arc from horror to acceptance in interviews with bereaved parents

The film is similarly strong in its depiction of fathers, who are often ignored in the rush to ensure that the mother is cared for. “One of the big problems is that there isn’t really anything for dads,” says Matt Grove, who admits he struggled on returning to work as a police officer. “After Ben died I went for counselling, and people were almost surprised that there was a dad there.”
Grove hopes Still Loved will reach a wide audience. “If people take one thing away it is that they should always check the baby’s movement and not worry about bothering the doctors if they feel something is wrong,” he says. “If this film manages to save lives, it will be worth it.”
​
Still Loved is being screened as part of International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

​Released to coincide with Baby Loss Awareness week, Debbie Howard’s documentary hears out bereaved parents across the UK, talking with remarkable candour about their experiences of stillbirth. If the early crosscutting elides some of each case’s specificity, it succeeds in describing a more general arc, from horror and numbness to acceptance and a resolution to move forwards – either by trying to conceive again or investing creative energies in alternative projects. The process confronts us with undeniably tough material: the snapshots of the deceased sting as much as the pans across the box-fresh bibs and bootees bought in excited anticipation of the big day. (The whole film is a fleshing out of the six-word story typically attributed to Hemingway: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”) Yet you can only be struck by the resilience the interviewees display, and the trust they place in Howard – repaid several times over by a work of commemoration that will also surely provide considerable consolation.